# One-liners for Trevor Stone's auto-generated signature Imagination is the purest freedom. Dreams the ultimate goal. -- me Spare the duct tape, spoil the job. -- Red Green Microsnot Windoze by any other name, would still be a piece of crap. What do you want to crash today? How much do you want to pay today? I can't do it cap'n! She's runnin' Windows '95! My goal is to be like Linux: to serve, to be eclectic, to be free. Nothing ever is, everything is becoming. -- Heraclitus The box said "Requires Windows '95 or better." So I loaded Win 3.1. Life isn't fair, but the root password helps. -- The BOFH "I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then, he vanished. Their white flags are no match for our muskets! -- The Simpsons U.S. Government: "China needs to improve its human rights record." U.S. Law Forces: "Apply the pepper spray to the protestors' eyes." I'm a doctor, where's the horse? -- Groucho Marx I love God. I just hate the paperwork. -- Nothing Sacred To start, press any key. Where's the any key? -- Homer Simpson Opaque melodies that would bug most people -- Beefheart, Zappa "They killed Nixon! You heroes!" Why can't THAT happen each week? -- me Well *I* just spent half an hour getting X11 to run on my slide rule. The police are not here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve disorder. -- Chicago Mayor Richard Daley In a few years you'll be able to "upgrade" from Windows v. 98 to v. 01. -me I knew Santa didn't have time to check that list twice. -- Bart Simpson He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control. The OS that can be sold is not the eternal OS. -- me Pornography is out there. Beware of geeks bearing .gifs. -- me Is all of western civilzation merely a prelude to Melrose Place? -- me I want a Molarbit hard drive. .70 trillion gigabytes. Avogadro rules. - me And on the seventh day He exited from append mode. Nah. Pigs tend to chew their food. I say he eats more like a duck -Simpsons Compared to them, public schools are veritable havens of free thought! -- Lisa Simpson This signature is consistently random. Order through chaos. Late to bed and early to rise make a man tired cranky and bleary-eyed. If the fool would persist in his folly he would become wise. -- Blake Prisons are built with stones of Law, Brothels: bricks of Religion. - Blake The fox condemns the trap, not himself. -- William Blake Listen to the fool's reproach! it is a kingly title! -- William Blake As the catterpiller chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys. -- William Blake There is a problem with the pregnancy. Abort, retry, ignore? Teaching yourself Zen is like curing yourself of the hiccups. -- Alan Watts Diffrwythdra. Now THAT's a dirty word. -- me If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? Monday is a terrible way to spend one seventh of your life. I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on tape somewhere. Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. UNIX is easy. Just like a cross between English and Welsh. Except that you have to take out all the vowels. -- Joshua Kronengold In the middle of the 19th century, all the Morons moved to Utah. - some kid The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Bohr Borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Extensive exposure to Windows can cause cancer in laboratory rats. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. -- Loudon Wainwright III I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. You can't get all the people to use Windows all the time. -- me The death rate around here is one per person. Waste 15 hours of time this week! Install Windows to find out how. VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use unix. Why Linux? Because it is The Choice of a GNU generation. This space unintentionally left blank. Visualize not using your caps lock key. .deirrub ew nhoJ s'ti ,daed ton si luaP We wish to teach the three cardinal virtues of a programmer: laziness, impatience, and hubris. -- Programming Perl Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What a bad omen! -- me You are to literature as Marcel Marceau is to radio. Sending messages in MIME builds bad kharma. -- me Only forty-two more surfing days until the apocalypse! -- me % cat smoke | more #And you thought computer nerds had no fun. - Mike & me Now we just need _The Dummies Guide to Obfuscated Programming_. -- me Can I use rot13 and uuencode for foreign language credit? -- me To say that I am wasting time presupposes that I had any at all. -- me Rash decisoins should be given calomine, not praise. -- Paul Thomas This sig worst viewed by any Microsnot product. Download lynx now! There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact, it's all dark. -- Pink Floyd, "Eclipse" I'm not against fundamentalism. Just the specific fundaments. -- me Damnit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a COBOL programmer! If you used lynx, this page would have loaded by now. Is this a random world, or did you planet? -- SimEarth manual I'm out of condoms. Can I use a sock? - things not to say during sex, #122 Do not send mail in HTML I'd put a Simpsons or Douglas Adams quote here, but most are too long to fi You expect me to fit the wisdom of the world into 76 characters? Less annoying advertisements. Now THAT's a great idea! -- me I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. -- Art Leo We're knights of the modem cable, we connect whenever we're able/We write ASCII smiles and download files/And leave Zip disks on the table/People use the 'Net to scam-a-lot/I have... to... fil-ter spam-a-lot! -- Jazon L5R -- where even the flames are pretty polite. -- Zen Faulkes! The superior man worries about the Way and not about poverty. -- Confucius I object to all this sex on the television. I keep falling off! -- Monty Python's Flying Circus What's the point of going out? We'll just come back here anyway. - Simpsons A jury consists of 12 people selected to decide who has the best lawyer. I am an honor student at Life University of Everything. Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup. Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on gin. -- Ralph Nader Draft beer, not people. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN -- a T-shirt The other Sheltanack's jupleberry shrub is always a more mauvy color of pinky russet. -- Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there. -- Will Rogers Go directly to DOS. Do not use Windows, do not lose $200. -- me Meddle not in the affairs of Windows for it is expensive and quick to crash Join the Church of Last Thursday and be saved! http://home.earthlink.net/~aexia/colt/ The opinions in the above message are yours, you just don't know it yet. They hung in the air just the way bricks don't. -- Douglas Adams, HHGTG When you point at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. -- Johnny Moses UBAX vs lbh ybir EBG-13 -- Info highway bumbersticker by Adrian Ogden Taxes are bills from the utilitarian company. -- me A botched plot never foils. -- me -- Charlie Chaplin Oh my god! They killed Toku! You bastards! -- me This sig has been accessed [INLINE] times. Click [LINK] to go [IMAGE]. If reincarnation is the case, a lot of people have screwed themselves over. They will be rebooting their Macs into Windows '95. -- me A polar bear is a rectalinear bear undergoing a coordinate transformation. This page is enhanced. -- me You're only young once, but you can be indefinitely immature. You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. If Reagan is the answer it must have been a very silly question. Life is like an analogy. Life is a metaphor. Metaphors be with you! The above opinions are yours, you just don't realize it yet. If you can't read this, I don't know what to tell you. Support your local Search and Rescue team. Get lost. If you fail to take a stand, you stand to fail. -- me In America, it's not how much it costs, but how much you save. You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better than nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso Quando omni flunkus moritati. (When all else fails, play dead). - Red Green Black holes are where God divided by zero. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. It's like looking at the flag, except I actually feel something. -- Mike George, regarding the Wall of DP Church, cult, big difference. So we get bored some other place. -- Bart I hear and I forget. I see and I forget. I do and I forget. -- confused It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. Do not fear your enemies. Only a friend can betray you. -- Legend of the Five Rings: "Bayushi's Lies" It doesn't matter where you're going if you don't know how to get there. -- U. Utah Phillips Never own anything you have to feed or paint. -- U. Utah Phillips Back up my hard drive? I haven't figured out how to put it in reverse yet. Jesus is coming. Someone get him a towel. Montezuma is coming, and he's pissed. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Frank Zappa They have the Internet on computers now! -- Homer Simpson How's my surfing? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL. Give up literal Biblical interpretation for lent. -- me If we don't try, we'll never know how bad they'll beat us. -- The Simpsons Abandon the search for truth. Settle for a good fantasy. The government runs wars like a large drive-by. -- Antithesis Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees. -- Revelation 7:3 Mobius strip. For instructions, see other side. Klein bottle for sale. Inquire within. For millions of years mankind lived just like animals. Then something happened that unleashed the power of our immagination. We learned to talk. -- Stephen Hawking on Pink Floyd's "Keep Talking" Cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan: Rebel without a clue. Don't confuse me stopping for breath with asking for your opinion. -- Red Green Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them? Trying is the first step to failure. -- Homer Simpson You cannot have great men without lesser men. -- me, justifying Toku If you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest distance between two points www.arentyougettingtiredofthesestupiddomainnames.com How gullible are you? Send me $30 for my home gullibility test today! Did you know they took gullible out of the dictionary? All he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H.L. Menken on Shakespeare :wq Oh, wait, we're not in vi anymore, Toto. -- me :wq Don't you just HATE that? Oh my god! They killed Hans Moleman! You bastards! Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound. -- Daniel Hinojosa What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. -- my dad progasm: The intense explosion of pleasure when one of your programs compiles the first time without errors. -- Adam T. Ness The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. -- Lao Tse, Tao Te Ching The way that can be named is not the eternal way. -- Lao Tse, Tao Te Ching Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite. It says he made us to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe a little ugly on the side. -- Frank Zappa Religion is the Reader's Digest of philosophy. -- me Out the ethernet card, through the switch, down the T3, out the router... nothing but Net. -- Paul J Thompson Heroin. And now, new Heroin PM! -- my dad Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Freud You cannot know what is enough unless you know what is too much. -- Lao Tse If anyone should be smoking, it's kids. You never hear about them dying of lung cancer. -- Tony Fuller, Bookstore Owner. The Onion We then realized / We were powerless over / Our SPAM addiction -- Alex_lx That's not a signature, that's a T-shirt! -- me on an 18 line ASCII sig If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. Oh God, give me the strength to resist temptation, but not yet. - Augustine Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but they're next to it. A rose, by any other name, woulnd't be as romantic. -- me In a world without walls or fences, we don't need Windows or Gates. The only thing worse than being witty is not being witty. -- Monty Python's Oscar Wilde sketch Your password is like your toothbrush. You don't give it to anyone else and you change it regularly. -- a university sysadmin Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that! -- Matt Frewer Everybody should believe in something. I believe I shall have another drink The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. According to the latest figures 43% of all statistics are totally worthless If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee. That will do them in. Vini, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around. No matter how cynical you are, it gets hard to keep up. -- Lily Tomlin The people are revolting... in the good sense of the word. -- Jim Hightower It is a bypass. You've got to build bypasses. -- Hitchhiker's Guide I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous. I think that the welsh are the most of oppressed people... They have Prince Charles as their mascot. -- Koroshiya When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. -- L5R: Ikudaiu Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -- Mark Twain I'm in an orgy of insulting all my email friends right now! - a web visitor Whatever you do, pack a lunch, because kicking ass is an all-day job. -- Jack Dracula I'm never having kids. They take nine months to download. -- RHF The best lack all conviction, while the worst are filled with a passionate intensity. -- W. B. Yeats, applied to Usenet Getting a woman drunk to hear storyline secrets. You guys ARE gamers. -- Joe Keyser The modern novel should be largely a work of reference. -- Flann O'Brien, At Swim-Two-Birds Sex is like going to the gas station. Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve. -- rec.humor.funny Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx You cannot figure out which side of the bread to butter beforehand. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. I am at one with my duality. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during the exam I want tofu poofs!!! -- me We should be worrying about health care and the economy, not whether the president had sex with some Secret Service agents. -- The Onion Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad, it's beetter than nothing. Yesterday it worked / Today it is not working / Windows is like that Very faintly. The name rings a triangle. -- me Chain letters are like chain smoking: _you_ may enjoy it, but it pisses off everyone around you. -- me Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece. -- The Simpsons An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. Welsh cows say mw. -- me There's too much blood in my caffine system! -- Netrunner, Jack and Joe Indecision may or may not be my problem. I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. -- LH What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. Siaradwch wrth y llaw ddim i'r wyneb. -- me Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. - Woody Allen It ain't over till the Geiger counter stops ticking. -- Shadowfist: Scorched Earth Statistics are the least important part of diversity. -- me If you don't have virgin ears, you'd better lay off the Kama Sutra. -- me The Christian Right is neither. Man created God in his own image. -- Bill Moyers I have a firm grasp on reality. Now I'm going to strangle it. - Chris Hayes Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. Witty sayings prove nothing. -- Voltaire If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. There is no lifeguard in the gene pool. -- Bizzare I can resist anything except temptation. -- Rush No matter where you go, there you are. Sexuality shouldn't be about what's hip. It's about what's between the hips LIFE is a sexually transmitted disease, with a 100% mortality rate. The Tao that is seen / Is not the true Tao, until / You bring fresh toner Windows95 really does have preemptive Multitasking: it can boot and crash at the same time. There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. Printer not ready. / Could be a fatal error. / Have a pen handy? First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary. Coito ergo sum. Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammmer or get a splinter in it. Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein My job is not to compete with Microsoft. It's to lower the value of the operating system market. -- Bob Young, RedHat CEO Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day. It's rather difficult to perfume an email message. Content-type: text/scented. The mind boggles. -- Larry Wall Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow Jesus was a bastard. God is an adulterer. Famous last words: God enters by a private door into every individual. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Time to change the locks. -- Mike George The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper. -- T Jefferson How much do we need to pay you to screw Netscape? -- Bill Gates to AOL exec While money can't buy happiness, it lets you choose your own form of misery The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. -- Maugham You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. -- Heathcote Williams Why should I spend money on clothes when I could buy an external hard drive? -- Geektalk If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe. The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window System. Kissing is a bit like establishing a modem compression. -- Paul Joannides Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce A '59 Cadillac Seville has more personality than most people I meet today. Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? Paranoia is the belief in a hidden order behind the visible. -- Anonymous A man's only as old as the woman he feels. -- Groucho Marx Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananna. -- Groucho Marx I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it - Groucho Marx Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. -- Groucho Marx From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. -- Groucho Marx I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. There is only one way to find out if a man is honest--ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked. -- Groucho Marx The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake that, you've got it made. -- Groucho Marx Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- G. Marx I was born at a very early age. -- Groucho Marx Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer that can be kicked. Keyboard, n.: An instrument for entering errors into a computer. It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than for being right. You're never alone with schizophrenia. If you build it they will come. If you charge admission, they won't. -- SP Takes more than guns to kill a man. -- Joe Hill, traditional Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! Human nature is 99% aloe and 1% inert ingredients! -- Zippy To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god. -- Jorge Luis Borges There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. -- Ellen Perry Berkeley Dogs come when they're called-Cats take a message and get back to you later I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. -- Hippolyte Taine Time spent with cats is never wasted. -- Colette You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. Students nowadays! Complaining they only get two MBs of disk space! In my day we were lucky to get one file, and that was /dev/null. When the rich wage war it is the poor who die. -- Jean-Paul Sartre Television is the opiate of a new generation. -- me The economy is a fully owned subsidiary of the environment. -- Tim Worth Kids in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause kids. Remember, even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. That was Zen, this is Tao. Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. -- James Watt As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Einstein The American West was built on the backs of draft dodgers. -- Tom Scrivner Finding out what goes on inside the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock. -- New York Times Laws: good people don't need 'em, bad people don't obey 'em so why have 'em? -- Amon Hennacy A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. -- Lao Tsu Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy Dwi'n gallu llefaru pob llinell heb atal, oherwydd does dim tafod gyda fi. "I can speak every line without a stammer, as I have no tongue." A hungry man is an angry man. -- Bob Marley A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation. This computer has performed an illegal operation. The FBI has been informed Baggins? We don't need no steenking Baggins! -- Thorin Oakenshield, _Treasure Under the Lonely Mountain_ The after life is full of the same stuff this one is. -- Red Green When I was a kid, I used to think that Dammit was God's last name, just like Christ is Jesus' last name. -- Kimberly Chapman Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and then name the streets after them. Bo knows rehab. -- me Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around. -- David Lodge Adeimantus: "I still don't understand." Socrates: "That's because you think I'm saying something deep." If I had any humility I'd be perfect. -- Ted Turner If UNIX is the Great Novel, Perl is the Cliffs Notes. -- Thomas Scoville If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. -- Dan Quayle Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. -- Dan Quayle Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans. -- letter to the editor, Sidney Morning Herald, on the subject of the Lewinsky affair Pat Robertson is an abomination against God. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. This list is worth it's weight in gold! -- spam for a spam list CD Know thyself. If you need help, call the FBI. -- TH, National Lampoon I ate your web page. / Forgive me. It was juicy. / And tart on my tongue. I didn't paraphrase jack, you ignorant little ego-monger. -- usenet comment Toku in the mountains, Toku in the shadowlands, Toku in the battle-maidens. -- Ree Soesbe Dough or donut, there is no pie. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees - Ronald Reagan If everything is just the same wherever you go, why go anywhere at all? -DS An 'acceptable' level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Just once I'd like to survive. -- Chris Peach How about a maximum wage? -- Jello Biafra When life deals you lemons, eat them. -- me Necessity may be the mother of invention, but boredom didn't wear a condom. Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -- Susan Ertz Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- urban legend attributed to Mariah Carey /dev/null would have cared more. -- The Cube, http://www.forum2000.org/ I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. -- James R. F. Quirk God doesn't take the advice of syphillitic insane Germans who never got laid and were too cowardly to join the army. -- http://www.forum2000.org/ I assure you, the "pleasure" was all yours. -- http://www.forum2000.org/ Keep your mind in check, libido-boy. -- The Cube, http://www.forum2000.org/ He who Laughs, Lasts. Windows: Plug and play my ass. Er... -- me Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. Guns don't kill people. Bullets do. The woman of your dreams is already in your bed, assuming you sleep in bed. -- Mr. Spock SOMAD, Forum 2000 Read at your own philisophical risk. -- The Cube, http://www.forum2000.org/ Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. Inquiring nose wants to mind. Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Air is water with holes in it. Suicide is painless, switching to NT isn't. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. This is a terrible mistake because I've used up all my English. -- Roberto Begnini I believe in God, I just spell it Nature. -- Frank Lloyd Wright The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist. Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea. ps a | awk '{print $1}' | sort -r | xargs kill -9 (Kill them all and let UNIX sort it out.) I can make beautiful music on my own, thank you. As an American citizen, I've approved of worse ideas. -- The Onion The future will not be user friendly. A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. -- Phyllis Schlafly I was just a child then, now I'm only a man. -- Pink Floyd, The Final Cut Hey... if I put 'Hitler' in my sig, nobody can post a follow-up! ...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional. -- B. Q. Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk. -- The Onion Soccer - What thrill is there in watching a sport full of men who dribble before they shoot? Whatever happened to proper ball control, that's what I want to know? -- Julian Clary All sorts of things weren't frowned on in ancient Greece. Very few of them sobered up enough to have that sort of facial control. -- Usenet comment The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. I've never tried opening a car door with a hook, but one imagines it's something like trying to remove a woman's bra with a spoon. - brunching.com New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures! With realistic smiting action! If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. WARNING: This message contains Thought and Thought By-Products. There's no Porn on this page, what the hell am I doing here? -- WWW Fights I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. What kind of game would chess be if a Rook cost $10 and a Queen cost $200? -- Bill Ingram Nothing feels better. -- an underwear commercial Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun gawk; talk; date; grep; touch; unzip; strip; touch; gasp; finger; gasp; mount; fsck; more; yes; fsck; gasp; eject; umount; make clean; make mrproper; sleep A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Programmers try to make things smaller, faster, and with as little user intervention as possible. No wonder we can't get a date. -- me Unix IS user friendly - it's just selective about who its friends are. A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. This is reality, I'd recognize it anywhere. -- Red Dwarf Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be light." And there was still nothing. But you could see it a lot better. Innocence is when you've never slept with a bull elephant. - Bryant Durrell It is important to realize that any lock can be picked with a big enough hammer. -- Sun System & Network Admin manual A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. -- Carl Edward Sagan We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. There's lies, damn lies, and documentation. -- http://www.forum2000.org/ If Valentine's Day is the day for lovers, what's the day for single men? Why, Palm Sunday, of course. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -- Groucho Marx How different would Usenet be if, instead of a 'Send' button, your news reader had a 'Do you think anyone really cares?' button? -- Robert Bain Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. More we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right -v generate reverberating echo -- from the mock GNU echo manpage Like any responsible journalist, I immediately went to lunch. -- Dan Savage The revolution came, but we ran out of wall. -- http://www.forum2000.org/ Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. -- Dysfunctional Family Circus How can I tell whether a man who fears death is not like a man who has left home and dreads returning? -- Chuang Tsu, trans. Gia-fu Feng Every day I come closer and closer to being king of the Off-By-One Error. Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. -- George F. Will Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. -- on computer industry romance Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. Ten years from now, you will still be a Gemini. - http://www.forum2000.org/ Did you neglect to buy a Site License for the Natural Numbers? -- Forum2000 A baby in motion tends to remain at rest. One ping(8) to bring them all and in the darkness bind(2) them. -- Keith Bolland Ask not for whom the ^G tolls. -- Mike Pearson Quantum physics: The dreams that stuff is made of. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. Wanks the size of Outer Mongolia do not require errata. -- Jeff Alexander Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. God is real, unless declared integer. Nowhere is it written that you have to weigh 300 pounds and play Dungeons & Dragons to be a dork. -- Dan Savage The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. -- Anonymous They took too much BSD back in the '80's. -- http://www.forum2000.org/ Life is complex: Part real, part imaginary. My Tarot deck can pass the Turing Test. I constructed it on the spot. I'm sort of a roll-your-own linguist -- me Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life. -- Senator Orrin Hatch Life stinks, and don't get me started on the terrible sequel... -- TIW goto, let us go down, and there confound their language. -- Genesis 11:7 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. As is all too frequently the case... Kant succeeds in being technical without being precise. -- Henry E. Allison (Okay, reinventing the wheel and telling venture capitolists and the stock market that wheels are the next big thing.) -- Julian Lighton TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". -- Steven Wright Piece-of-meat vision is a male superpower and, just like Superman's X-ray vision, we can turn it on and off at will. -- Dan Savage The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether you can get your opponent to say `huh?!?!?' -- Leon "I knew her like the palm of my hand." Generally speaking, slow but steady loses the race rather humiliatingly. Slow but steady wins the pie-eating contest... the moral should be changed to "Slow but steady wins the race if all the other participants are narcoleptics," or alternatively "Don't be a moron." -- www.brunching.com That's the problem with technology. No matter how advanced it may be, it only takes a nanosecond of human stupidity to bring it down. - D.Thompson SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. - A. Brilliant He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde Funerals are not for the dead, but for those who still live. -- me If we don't all go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy! - M*A*S*H Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood. -- Robert Byrne If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters - Nora Ephron Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs. -- E.W. Howe Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them. You could start your own Save the Seconds fund. -- Harper Stone to me Build a man a fire, and he's warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. -- Dave Olson You aren't libertarian until you barter on a toll road and enjoy it. -- me No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Bush and Gore make me want to Ralph. If anyone needs Marilyn Manson, it's Joe Lieberman. -- Jello Biafra The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. It has to start somewhere / It has to start some time / What better place than here / What better time than now? -- Rage Against the Machine I understand small business growth. I was one. -- George W. Bush The superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire o/~ If you're quadriplegic and you know it, clap your hands... o/~ We'll do what we darn well please, or we'll stop exporting Levis jeans to your younger generation. -- rec.humor.funny Democracy proved it could thrive in Bosnia, where an impressive 103-percent voter turnout was reported -- Dave Watson I've already told you more than I know. A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. -- James Joyce, Ulysses There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There are no stupid questions, but lots of inquisitive idiots. I don't have a messiah complex, I'm just a complex messiah. Trying to win a war is like trying to win an earthquake. We're Jojoba's Witnesses. There's a land where everyone's hair is clean... But most likely other e-mail programs like Eudora are not designed to enable virus replication. -- Microsoft virus alert She's pretty, she's a geek, she has the right number of eyes... I think I'm in love. -- www.gpf-comics.com The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. -- a Bucharest hotel lobby Please leave your values at the front desk. -- a Paris hotel elevator You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. -- a Japanese hotel Drop your trousers here for best results. -- a Bangkok dry cleaner's A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. -- an East African newspaper The manager has personally passed all the water served here. -- An Acapulco Hotel I am Jack's signature. Talk to the Palm. -- Andy Ihnatko Boobs are boobs, they're just accesorized differently. -- Andy Ihnatko It has nothing to do with logic. It has to do with the law. -- Dave Grusin The plural of 'anecdote' is not 'evidence.' An item in Thursday's Nation Digest about the Massachusetts budget crisis made reference to new taxes that will help Massachusetts 'back in the African American.' The item should have said 'back in the black'. You would think we could figure out how to fix buffer overflows by now. -- Steve Ballmer, CEO, Microsoft ... has the power to make you a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER within 48 hours!!! MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!! -- a spam Get a taste of religion. Lick a witch! Perl should only be studied as a second language. A good first language would be English. -- Larry Wall Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. -- J. Finnegan, USC Satisfaction guaranteed or you are one picky bastard. -- memepool.com Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. -- IU cheer Read between the lies. Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. -- G. K. Chesterton We're confident that we are taking all of the right steps on an ongoing basis to incorporate the most sophisticated technologies available. -- Susan Altman Prescott of Adobe on software using Rot13 encryption If meeting celebrities in unpleasant dark hangouts is what Hell's all about, it's even more like LA than I suspected. -- LFS, www.brunching.com You have new spam. Subject: Nude Celebri Tease You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. Rage against the turing machine. -- memepool.com My parents just came back from a planet where the dominant lifeform had no bilateral symmetry, and all I got was this stupid F-Shirt. Hello, and thank you for calling Microsoft technical support. May I ask what version of Code Red your server is runnung? First on the scene - because we're the victem. -- memepool.com Attract Men With Bigger Breasts -- a spam "The devil doesn't exist, but man has created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness." "Just as he did God, then?" -- Dostoevski If we believe absurdities we will commit atrocities. -- Voltaire Inner child pornography -- memepool.com Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. - W. von Braun Thou shalt not obey this commandment. -- me Osama is not in Kabul - he is not living in mud houses of poor people. - MW all the news that's fit to cut and paste -- memepool.com Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. -- Nietzsche This book is a mirror. When a monkey looks in, no apostle looks out. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. The meanies justify the ends. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. If membership in a terrorist organization is a prosecutable offense, they ought to round up every citizen of the United States of America. -- me People of accomplishment rarely sit back and let things happen to them. They go out and happen to things. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. -- Lynn Lavner People who feel the world is tilted against them will spawn the kind of hatred that is very dangerous for all of us. I think it's a healthy sign that there are demonstrators in the streets. They are raising the question of 'is the rich world giving back enough?' -- Bill Gates Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. A think tank is just a brain in a vat, but manipulated by deranged politicians instead of philosophically minded scientists. -- me mighty morphine power rangers -- a web searcher hitting my homepage Would you eat a cereal titled "Fellati-O's?" -- Aaron Medwin The best offense is the Department of Defense Jerry Falwell needs to turn the other ass cheek. -- me Modern versions of Windows are the tentacle porn of computing. -- me If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. All life is a blur of satin sheets & Orson Welles movies!! -- Zippy My Goodness! My Goddess! -- me A person does not drink to get drunk. -- Richard Nixon At the end of the day, or at the end of the party, when everyone goes home, you're stuck with yourself. -- Layne Staley Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. -- Leo Tolstoy The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. When the mythology is alive, you don't have to tell anybody what it means. - Joseph Campbell If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? The only true currency in this world is what you share with another person when you're uncool. -- Almost Famous Can you wage war against an abstract noun? -- Terry Jones Jell-O is square, but only if you chill it in a square pan. -- Cat and Girl Some of our cavities are better developed than others. -- Prof. Dubson If I was Saddam Hussein, I'd pay a human rights organization to draft an International Declaration to Have My Ass Overthrown! Cause you know the US wouldn't go along with it. -- www.mnftiu.cc The road to recovery is a rocky one. -- Gov. Jeb Bush, on his daugher's crack addiction Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. -- Marcus Brigstocke [I was] disenfranchised arguing with dead men who couldn't offer their answers. -- Scott Hadsall When the mythology is alive, you don't have to tell anybody what it means. - Joseph Campbell A musician, an artist, an architect: the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. -- William Blake If you want to drink milk, you don't necessarily need to keep a cow. An auto-park is just a parking park. -- me Spreading Truth Through Vice. -- Van Lepthien It's not about how much stock you have, it's about how much copper wire you can get out of the building with. -- The Simpsons I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot. Strong. With a spoon in them. -- Eddie Izzard Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth Life gave me lemons, so I made lemonade. Only Life didn't give me any sugar so it didn't taste very good. -- Cat and Girl, "Boy Gets a Lemon" "What did people do before the internet?" "Sat around not knowing how to play backgammon." -- Cat and Girl, "It's Raining" Don't do as they say / just say as they do. No flavor's quite so bitter / as the taste of one's own shoe. -- Primus, "Mama Didn't Raise No Fool" One cannot look at holding people accountable as a solution to these problems. -- FBI Director Robert Mueller Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on. -- unknown The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee. -- /usr/games/fortune I can't be an outsider if you keep inviting me places! -- Cat and Girl I had the most wonderful dream. I dreamt I was in a Herpes commercial. -- Cat and Girl, "Cat in Slumberland" It was a chord, not a tangent. It started and ended on the original conversation. -- me When a man takes what is yours, do not demand it back. -- Luke 6:30 Designations of moral value were everywhere first applied to human beings and only later and derivatively to actions. -- Nietzsche I have suddenly awoken in the midst of this dream but only to the consciousness that I am dreaming and that I have to go on dreaming in order not to be destroyed. -- Nietzsche The first discovery I'd like to present here is an algorithm for lazy evaluation of research papers. Just write whatever you want and don't cite any previous work, and indignant readers will send you references to all the papers you should have cited. -- Paul Graham I've always been partial to calling myself up and asking myself out. One thing is, you're always there. -- Tom Waits The last thing we need is a new reproduction strategy for cats. -- Texas A&M researchers who produced the world's first cloned cat Why bother moving forward when you can slide infinitely sideways? -- Cat and Girl, "A Present for Cat and Girl" Technically you would only need one time traveler convention. -- Cat and Girl, "A Present for Cat and Girl" Why can't I just have a hennah husband? -- Margaret Cho Working for the Democratic Party is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. -- Utah Phillips Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only she did it backwards and in heels. Stochastic algorithm seeks heuristic relationship. -- G.J. Nelson Oh no! She's stuck in an infinite loop! And he's an idiot! Well, that's love for you. -- Futurama Sexually active young people need to be treated like campsites-- i.e., they should be left in better shape than they were found. -- Dan Savage "The case is Washington Legal Foundation v. Legal Foundation of Washington" Whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall never enter it. -- Luke 18:17 We should not be bombing Afghanistan any more than we should have bombed Chicago because Al Capone lived there. -- Arthur Heyderman I know a large firm you can consult with any time, baby. -- The Brak Show This is just another way of starting a sentence with the word "this" and ending it with the word "that." -- George Carlin Teenagers these days don't have as much sex as they want each other to think they do. The last thing our faltering economy needs right now is for the normally robust fetish-gear sector to go into a slump. -- Dan Savage Don't even think! People have died for lettuce. There's no point in saving the world if it means losing the moon. -alacrity If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You cannot argue that a film is bad but that the color is good or vice versa. The image is a fact, the colors *are* the story. -- Antonioni The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal than to kill. -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 You know what I haven't had in a while? A seizure. -- www.catandgirl.com Why bother getting dressed? You'll just take it all off when you go to bed again. -- me The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. -- Paul Erlich A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn in no other way. Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. -- Rene Descartes No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. "What's the most dangerous part of the Middle East?" "Middle East St. Louis." -- Capn. Ribman Go away, I'm all right. -- last words of H.G. Wells How did reason come into the world? As is fitting, in an irrational manner, by accident. One will have to guess at it as at a riddle. -- Nietzsche Never underestimate the bandwidth of a hurtling station wagon filled with 8-track tapes. -- Andy Tannenbaum France lost a great novel last night. -- Victor Hugo, after sleeping with his mistress "The 90s are totally back!" "I hope we don't have to ironically appreciate Creed." -- Cat and Girl, "Time Again for Cat and Girl" The only difference between my life and my dreams is the position of my eyes. -- Holly Victor Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" The press of time does not diminish the constitutional concern. A desire for speed is not a general excuse for ignoring equal protection guarantees. -- U.S. Supreme Court, Bush/Gore decision I'm Commander in Chief of the world's biggest deficit. -- Toles A relationship is a myth that two people create together, and myths tend to play fast and loose with the facts. -- Dan Savage Lisp is the Tengwar of programming languages. Can I trade my happiness for some money? -- Bob in Dilbert Make sure you are good and fucked up by the time you grade my homework. -- LiveJournal comment by mpv7 Success is for losers. -- Cat and Girl, www.catandgirl.com "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. Let me help you! said the rabbit, pulling the fish out of the water and putting him in a tree. You might drown! -- Alan Watts I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky The Stone Age did not end for lack of stone, and the Oil Age will end long before the world runs out of oil. -- Saudi Arabian Oil Minister Sheikh Zaki Yamani There is always more hell that needs raising. -- Lauren Leveut The difference between obvious and oblivious is 51. -- me A sufficiently high level of technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke I'm sort of a social caterpillar. -- me Did I have a dream, or did the dream have me? -- Rush Posting at the top [writing email comments at the top and leaving the response below] because that's where the cursor happened to be is like shitting in your pants because that's where your asshole happened to be. The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. -- T.H. White Pryor's Observation: How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead. Next year I'm dressing up like David Cook the Poser for Halloween. Just like me, now, only I'll know it's just an outfit. -- David Cook When the elephant enters the tent, the tent is never the same. The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got! Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. -- James F. Byrnes SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson There's no 'u' in "vagina," but there is an 'i' in "penis." -- me & MLE Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. In other words, there is an evolutionary reason why some but not all teenagers can act like such foolish idiots. -- Tyler Cowen, MarginalRevolution.com Power corrupts, but PowerPoint corrupts absolutely. Religion is a defense against religious experiences. -- Carl Jung Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. The 60 Hertz buzz of the florescent lighting no longer drives me insane. It is more the classes, the deadlines, the assignments, and the people. -- altamira16 A woman's chastity consists, like an onion, of a series of coats. -- Hawthorne An unattempted woman cannot boast of her chastity. -- Montaigne There's no place like 127.0.0.1 My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. Ceci n'est pas une signature. If you can put it on a T-shirt, it's speech. -- Prof. David Touretzky Why is it perfectly legal to post a diagram of how to build a bomb on the net, but you can't post a code that descrambles DVDs? -- Boondocks It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea. -- Robert Anton Wilson If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. -- Bertrand Russell I wish I had answers. Instead I have Livejournal. -- dilemma "Help me! Someone help me!" "You must learn to help yourself citizen. I'm not here to enable you!" -- Dr. Blink If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society. Cul-de-Sacs are the capiliares of the city. Mistakes are part of the ritual. -- Robert Aitken, _Zen Master Raven_ I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover I'm missing something in my life, but I think it's just because I haven't eaten dinner. -- Dave Cook We only have a 10% repeat customer rate whereas prisons have a 70% rate of recidivism. -- Dilbert "Follow your dreams." "My dream leads to scurvy." -- www.catandgirl.com You might be a TechnoPagan if... your search for truth involves regular expressions. The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. -- Mark Twain For goodness sake - at the rate the conservatives are moving a fetus will be able to get married before I will! -- Stephanie Murib Which is it: is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's blunders? -- Friedrich Nietzsche The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Christianity came into existence in order to lighten the heart; but now it has first to burden the heart so as afterwards to be able to lighten it. -- Friedrich Nietzsche I'm so excited I could dump core. -- www.gpf-comics.com All problems in computer science can be solved by adding another layer of abstraction. "A copyrighted work is not a gift." -- Rep. Mary Bono R-CA. "Don't give me a Sonny and Cher album for Christmas!" -- me The Buick stops here. -- me W00t. Kisses in exchange for UNIX knowledge. I must have died and gone to /dev/heaven -- me But the thing that scared me most was when my enemy came close / And I saw that his face looked just like mine. -- Bob Dylan, "John Brown" I don't understand why people still think that Satanic cults exist anywhere other than in the imagination of law enforcement officials, Christian extremists and mothers who hate heavy metal. -- Margaret Cho The little man picks the cotton, the big man gets the money. -- Bob Wills If you choose not to make a decision you still have made a choice. -- Rush In the original ending of the Civil War, Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee got married. -- "Cat and Girl in the Audience" Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we, They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. -- George W. Bush That depends on what the meaning of "is" is. -- Bill Clinton ASCII to ASCII and DOS to DOS. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal. Coming to you from Nevada City, CA -- a town so small we don't have a village idiot; we all have to chip in. -- U Utah Phillips To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. rw-rw-rw- : File protection of the Beast. --x--x--x : umask of the Beast. VI VI VI : Text editor of the Beast. 660 : Approximate number of the Beast 1/666 : Inverse of the Beast DCLXVI : Roman numeral of the Beast 1010011010 : Bits of the Beast 29A : Hex of the Beast $665.95 : Retail price of the Beast $699.25 : Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax $769.95 : Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 : Walmart price of the Beast $333.00 : After Christmas sale Price of the Beast $222.00 : Going Out Business Liquidation Price of the Beast 00666 : ZIP code of the Beast 1-800-666-6666 : Toll-free number of the Beast 1-900-666-0666 : Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. Route 666 : Highway of the Beast 666k : Retirement plan of the Beast 6.66% : 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit i66686 : CPU of the Beast 666i : BMW of the Beast DSM-666 : Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast 668 : Next-door neighbor of the Beast Phillips 666 : Gasoline of the Beast 665 : Older brother of the Beast 667 : Younger brother of the Beast 666 UP : Soft drink of the Beast 666 F : Oven temperature for roast Beast 666 K : Melting temperature of the Beast 666 mg : Recommended minimum daily value of the Beast 666/20 : Vision of the Beast 6" X 6" X 6" : Lumber of the Beast 66.6 GHz : Computer processor of the Beast 666-66-6666 : Social Security Number of the Beast 6/6/66 : Birth Date of the Beast 666 calories : Diet of the Beast 969 : Dyslexic number of the beast WD-666 : Spray Lubricant of the Beast 66.6 MHz FM : Radio Station of the Beast 666 KHz AM : Radio Station of the Beast Colt 666 : Revolver of the Beast ::: (Kun w/ 3 moving lines) : Trigram of the Beast sick, sick, sick : Diagnosis of the Beast 999 : Marsupial of the Beast Windows 95 - a 32 bit graphical interface to a 16 bit patch on an 8 bit OS for a 4 bit processor by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition. Jesus didn't wear a suit, but people listened anyway. -- me If computers are gods they must be Old Testament gods -- lots of rules and no mercy. -- Joseph Campbell You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all conflicting. Your mouse pointer has moved. You must reboot Windows for this change to take effect. A lie can travel halfway 'round the world before truth can get its boots on. -- Mark Twain American Non Sequitur Society -- we don't make sense, but we do like pizza. Dyslexics have more unf. Merry xwindows and a happy GNU year! I'm sorry to say that being a regular reader of Savage Love doesn't carry a lot of weight with me. Judging from my e-mail, a lot of my regular readers, to say nothing of my fans, are out of their fucking minds. -- Dan Savage If I hated freedom, I would have attacked Sweden. -- Osama Bin Laden I met a girl at the Mobius Strip Club, but she was one-dimensional. -- me Some will rob you with a six shooter, some with a fountain pen. -- Woody Guthrie, "Pretty Boy Floyd" Sometimes the cards aren't worth it to hide if you don't lay 'em down. -- Grateful Dead, "Truckin'" Martin Luther King, Jr. was inspired by Mahatma Gandhi who was inspired by Henry David Thoreau who was inspired by squirrels. Therefore, civil rights were made possible by squirrels. -- me Those who don't hear the music think the dancer is mad. In the pages of Cosmo / They like 'em waify and thin / Now wouldn't it be nice if Calvin Klein / Helped Susie wipe the vomit from her chin -- Colonel Claypool's Bucket of Bernie Brains Is this a two thumbs up mountain? -- Cat and Girl, "The Numbers Racket" Spam is the .tar.gz of food. -- The Cube, Forum 2000 "Cat" and "can't," while they may possess the same initial two letters and indeed sound similar, are concepts separated by a vast, vast schism. -- caesia Sometimes truth is lamer than fiction. -- David Cook Let's get the whale lover's pizza. -- Cat and Girl www.catandgirl.com You're right. If the dirigible hits an iceberg, it's all over. -- The Cube His disciples said to him, "When will you be visible to us? And when will we see you?" [Jesus] said, "When you undress and are not ashamed." -- The Gosepl of Thomas Life is a problem with an undefined goal-state. -- me It's amazing how many morons you find when you scratch the silver stuff off of smart people with a penny. -- The Cube What awful irony is this? We are as gods, but know it not. Kent's Heuristic: Look for love where you would most like to find it. I think the musician expressed the pain and disbelief he felt after realizing that under heavy loads his kernel is spending unreasonably huge amounts of time in unlock_vma_mappings() -- The Cube Heisenberg may have slept here. The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. -- Alan Perlis Game includes board, strategy guide, Iago, Othello, Desdemona (and pillow), and thirty innocent Pawns. Replacement Desdemonas sold separately. -- The Cube Logic comes afterwards. It's how we retrace our steps. It's being wise after the event. Before the event you have to be very silly. -- Douglas Adams, _The Salmon of Doubt_ At the end of all this being-determined-to-be-a-jack-of-all-trades, I think I'm better off just sitting down and putting a hundred thousand words in a cunning order. -- Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt It's hard to imagine that nothing at all could be so exciting, could be so much fun. -- The Talking Heads, "Heaven" We will pay the price but we will not count the cost. -- Rush MY ENIAC IS FULL OF EELS. -- The Cube What? You didn't have any bipolar bisexual smiths-listening unrequited crush-object mathematicians at your disposal? -- The Cube I am not a number. I am a free man! -- The Prisoner My uber-semantics is not concerned with the trivialities of a programming language. -- The Cube Jazz isn't dead, it just smells funny. -- Frank Zappa Nothing long is ever pleasing. -- Don Quixote "Oh great Oracle! What do you predict?" "I forsee much bloat." Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you cash them in. If I told you I'd have to kill you, and that's not supported in standard HTML. -- The Cube My left brain deleted the email before my right brain could read it. - Cube Hello, Pizza Hut? I'd like an order of magnitude. -- The Cube SysAdmins can't be sued for malpractice, but surgeons don't have to deal with patients who install new versions of their own innards. -- The Cube Don't be ashamed of being sexually inexperienced. It's way hotter than being prematurely slutty. -- "K", Savage Love 6/23/2005 I have enough problems starting a relationship with one person that polyamory hasn't had a chance to become an issue. -- me Sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand. -- Cool Hand Luke Callin' it a job don't make it right, boss. -- Cool Hand Luke Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. -- Lao Tsu Therefore, by transitivity, we see that forewarned is half an octopus, Q.E.D. -- The Cube Breach of social contract, ten yard penalty, no first kiss. -- The Cube When you eat honey, you're having sex with every flower partner the bees have ever had. -- The Cube Indeed, for a short while RMS pretended that Emacs really was the GNU OS kernel. -- /usr/games/fortune Reduce, Reuse, Refactor. -- me It was a bungee jump on Wall Street. -- The Cube Pol Pottery Barn's a bust. / We should try Banana Republic. -- Cat and Girl If television's a babysitter, The Internet's a drunk librarian who won't shut up. -- Cat and Girl, "Large Mediums" www.catandgirl.com The Bible says cast your bread upon the water, but all I got was soggy bread. -- Ned Flanders I think there are places in the script where it explicitly says stuff like, "Z walked over the hill and saw a bucket of chicken that was so large that single-precision IEEE floating point wasn't enough to adequately describe its girth." -- The Cube Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. These fucking people get so excited about their own creativity that they forget to count the fucking syllables. -- The Cube Those who don't remember the past are doomed to watch it in syndication. -- Cat and Girl, "Conspiracy Theorists" I'd like 2 eggs ovaries-y, please. -- The Cube The key words "MUST", "REQUIRED", "SHALL", "SHALL NOT", "SHOULD", "SHOULD NOT", "RECOMMENDED", "MAY", and "OPTIONAL" are to be interpreted as described in RFC2119. -- The Cube Trilobyte hard drive: keep your data forever! Today's kids are single-series readers of either Harry Potter or the Bible, depending on the family. -- The Onion As a big believer in 'trickle-down' economics, I know what a $35 billion profit boost [for oil companies] means for me, the consumer: a free Atlanta Falcons travel mug with every fill-up. -- The Onion It's very important to remember that it's [the music label's] intellectual property, it's not [their] computer. -- Department of Homeland Security I have gained this by philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. -- Aristotle "I've just switched from Zoloft to Wellbutrin." "I've just switched from beer to whiskey." -- Cat and Girl, "Happy Hour" A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan Anyone who is "not technically a prostitute" is a prostitute. - Roger Ebert Green is the new Red, White, and Blue. -- Thomas L. Friedman Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Whew, it's kinda cramped living in that critical section. -- The Cube When you want something really bad and you close your eyes and wish for it, God's the guy who ignores you. -- The Island Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. -- Nicolas Chamfort You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down. -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" That's what you get if you belong to a religion that started before the invention of the printing press. -- The Cube Jesus will still be there after lunch. -- me Why bother? In 4000 years the Bangles will be making silly songs about you. -- The Cube As long as the basic needs of heat and cold have been satisfied and no genitalia is flinging about, then the clothing need has been met. You won't get a refund if you overpray. -- Phish, "Lifeboy" If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted. Please stay a child somewhere in your heart. - U2 "Original of the Species" We don't have to make children to make love. -- Prince, "If I Was Your Girlfriend" Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality. -- The Onion I infer that you're an adherent of Jahweh 2.x, rather than 1.x. -- Cube /earth: file system full. Marvin Gaye sang "What's Goin' On," but he also sang "Let's Get It On." -- Tavis Smiley We all die in the end. If we're lucky, we die delicious. -- Cat and Girl, "Donner Party Platter" I'm a theoretical vegetarian. All of the moral superiority, none of the soy! -- Cat and Girl, "Donner Party Platter" [Drag queens] are not women trapped in male bodies. [They're] celebrities trapped in normal people's bodies. -- Josh Kilmer-Purcell Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch. -- The Simpsons I've gladly done my part to reduce the world's PhD surplus. There's never enough nudity on Coney Island. -- Conan O'Brien If we don't protect freedom of speech, how will we know who the assholes are? -- The Onion It's an evolutionary advantage for the population to have some freaks running around, in case something weird happens. -- The Cube History is written by the victors. Losers write fanfic. -- Cat and Girl, "Historical Fiction" When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. -- Henry J. Kaiser Mr. T said he will help people stop pittying their inner fools. -- Conan O'Brien Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them. -- Heisenberg If they are to be motivated to save Nebraska from the clutches of the Kergillians, they need to have more in common with Nebraska than the Kergillians. -- Jeff Boes Shave a man's back for him and he'll purr like a walrus. -- Family Guy You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are. -- Colonel Adolphus Busch The pie takes the shape of the can, but it never *becomes* the can. -- Cat and Girl, "Sad Dinner" He "enclosed" all of his "points" in "scare" "quotes." -- me Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. -- Paul Tillich Some groups in the West enjoy calling things or people a threat. -- Iranian President Ahmadinejad Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. -- Henrik Ibsen It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. Are monsters real? Of course they are. I've seen their trucks. -- Cat and Girl, "Getting Old" "Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first." -- Ronald Reagan To err is human, to moo bovine. A hard man is good to find. -- Mae West Why isn't it Friday today? -- Phish, "Friday" We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked power. There seems to be universal acceptance of that idea in the nation. -- Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart Cleanliness is next to impossible. Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail! -- Bryan Michael Wendt Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. -- Alan J. Perlis, Epigrams in Programming Implicit in the term 'national defense' is the notion of defending those values and ideas which set this nation apart... It would indeed be ironic if, in the name of national defense, we would sanction the subversion of... those liberties... which make the defense of the nation worthwhile. - Judge Anna Diggs Taylor You are not a loan. -- Dave Cook If a lady were to present a glove to her champion, the champion's only responsibility is to return the glove to the lost and found. -- Cat and Girl I'm not a big fan of symbolic gestures, but at least this symbolic gesture is water-resistant and keeps accurate time. -- Soren Ragsdale For there to be a problem here, you're basically assuming a premise where you have some evil and nefarious election officials who would sneak in and introduce a piece of software... I don't believe these evil elections people exist. -- Diebold spokesman David Bear It's not the best solution to removing a corrupt leader, but it sure does the job better than the electoral college. -- The Onion Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. -- Kin Hubbard I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo Galilei You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way. -- Will Rogers Words fail me. Pictures aren't much better. -- R. Crumb Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity. -- Albert Einstein Google can be considered a fusion of the startup and grad-school mentalities. -- Stevey Want it delivered Tuesday, October 3? Order it in the next 69 hours and 47 minutes, and choose One-Day Shipping at checkout. -- Amazon.com's odd usage of "one day" I'm a solipsist and, I have to say, I'm surprised there aren't more of us. -- a letter to Bertrand Russell Honor is not the exclusive property of any political party - Herbert Hoover Like a child who has never remembered having a dream being told to have sweet dreams. -- Gregory Maguire, _Wicked_ Law is mind without reason. -- Aristotle The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. -- Muhammad Ali By giving passengers renewed access to these gels, lotions, and shampoos, we run the risk of creating a very dangerous, highly evasive, and super-slippery terrorist able to avoid all manners of restraint. -- The Onion Now is more like the future than ever before. Without music, life would be a mistake. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Users prefer a double-edged sword to a blunt one. -- Paul Graham, On Lisp A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. -- Douglas Adams The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. -- Alfred Hitchcock And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It is the life in your years. -- Abraham Lincoln Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. -- Hee Haw What would I do if I had only six months left to live? I'd type faster. -- Isaac Asimov A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain Lost time is never found again. -- Benjamin Franklin Christian Rock Band Cleans Up Hotel Room -- The Onion This is an affront against the Lord, who was always a proponent of pulling out and climaxing all over her tits. -- The Onion You don't love me. You love the mask I put on for the world. -- "Cat and Girl's Spooky Costume Hut" To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. - Thoreau "No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war." "He talks of peace if it is the only way to live." -- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5. This is the problem with Republicans: They plan two years in advance for a convention and two months in advance for a war. -- The Onion The only surefire protection against Microsoft infections is abstinence. -- The Onion Homeownersexuality. -- Cat and Girl # From Wired 14.11: Very Short Stories http://wired.com/wired/archive/14.11/sixwords.html God said, "Cancel Program GENESIS." The universe ceased to exist. - Arthur C. Clarke Failed SAT. Lost scholarship. Invented rocket. - William Shatner Computer, did we bring batteries? Computer? - Eileen Gunn Vacuum collision. Orbits diverge. Farewell, love. - David Brin Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so. - Joss Whedon Automobile warranty expires. So does engine. - Stan Lee Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time - Alan Moore Longed for him. Got him. Shit. - Margaret Atwood His penis snapped off; he's pregnant! - Rudy Rucker From torched skyscrapers, men grew wings. - Gregory Maguire Internet "wakes up?" Ridicu - no carrier. - Charles Stross With bloody hands, I say good-bye. - Frank Miller Wasted day. Wasted life. Dessert, please. - Steven Meretzky "Cellar?" "Gate to, uh ... hell, actually." - Ronald D. Moore Epitaph: Foolish humans, never escaped Earth. - Vernor Vinge It cost too much, staying human. - Bruce Sterling We kissed. She melted. Mop please! - James Patrick Kelly It's behind you! Hurry before it - Rockne S. O'Bannon I'm your future, child. Don't cry. - Stephen Baxter 1940: Young Hitler! Such a cantor! - Michael Moorcock Lie detector eyeglasses perfected: Civilization collapses. - Richard Powers I'm dead. I've missed you. Kiss ... ? - Neil Gaiman The baby's blood type? Human, mostly. - Orson Scott Card Kirby had never eaten toes before. - Kevin Smith Rained, rained, rained, and never stopped. - Howard Waldrop To save humankind he died again. - Ben Bova We went solar; sun went nova. - Ken MacLeod Husband, transgenic mistress; wife: "You cow!" - Paul Di Filippo "I couldn't believe she'd shoot me." - Howard Chaykin Don't marry her. Buy a house. - Stephen R. Donaldson Broken heart, 45, WLTM disabled man. - Mark Millar TIME MACHINE REACHES FUTURE!!! ... nobody there ... - Harry Harrison Tick tock tick tock tick tick. - Neal Stephenson Easy. Just touch the match to - Ursula K. Le Guin New genes demand expression -- third eye. - Greg Bear K.I.A. Baghdad, Aged 18 - Closed Casket - Richard K. Morgan WORLD'S END. Sic transit gloria Monday. - Gregory Benford Epitaph: He shouldn't have fed it. - Brian Herbert Batman Sues Batsignal: Demands Trademark Royalties. - Cory Doctorow Heaven falls. Details at eleven. - Robert Jordan Bush told the truth. Hell froze. - William Gibson whorl. Help! I'm caught in a time - Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel Nevertheless, he tried a third time. - James P. Blaylock God to Earth: "Cry more, noobs!" - Marc Laidlaw Help! Trapped in a text adventure! - Marc Laidlaw Thought I was right. I wasn't. - Graeme Gibson Lost, then found. Too bad. - Graeme Gibson Three to Iraq. One came back. - Graeme Gibson Rapture postponed. Ark demanded! Which one? - David Brin Dinosaurs return. Want their oil back. - David Brin Bang postponed. Not Big enough. Reboot. - David Brin Temporal recursion. I'm dad and mom? - David Brin Time Avenger's mistaken! It wasn't me... - David Brin Democracy postponed. Whence franchise? Ask Diebold... - David Brin Cyborg seeks egg donor, object ___. - David Brin Deadline postponed. Five words enough...? - David Brin Metrosexuals notwithstanding, quiche still lacks something. - David Brin Brevity's virtue? Wired saves adspace. Subscribe! - David Brin Death postponed. Metastasized cells got organized. - David Brin Microsoft gave us Word. Fiat lux? - David Brin Mind of its own. Damn lawnmower. - David Brin Singularity postponed. Datum missing. Query Godoogle? - David Brin Please, this is everything, I swear. - Orson Scott Card I saw, darling, but do lie. - Orson Scott Card Osama's time machine: President Gore concerned. - Charles Stross Sum of all fears: AND patented. - Charles Stross Ships fire; princess weeps, between stars. - Charles Stross Mozilla devastates Redmond, Google's nuke implicated. - Charles Stross Will this do (lazy writer asked)? - Ken MacLeod Cryonics: Disney thawed. Mickey gnawed. Omigawd. - Eileen Gunn WIRED stimulates the planet: Utopia blossoms! - Paul Di Filippo Clones demand rights: second Emancipation Proclamation. - Paul Di Filippo MUD avatars rebel: virtual Independence Day. - Paul Di Filippo We crossed the border; they killed us. - Howard Waldrop H-bombs dropped; we all died. - Howard Waldrop Your house is mine: soft revolution. - Howard Waldrop Warskiing; log; prop in face. - Howard Waldrop The Axis in WWII: haiku! Gesundheit. - Howard Waldrop Salinger story: three koans in fountain. - Howard Waldrop Finally, he had no more words. - Gregory Maguire There were only six words left. - Gregory Maguire In the beginning was the word. - Gregory Maguire Commas, see, add, like, nada, okay? - Gregory Maguire Weeping, Bush misheard Cheney's deathbed advice. - Gregory Maguire Corpse parts missing. Doctor buys yacht. - Margaret Atwood Starlet sex scandal. Giant squid involved. - Margaret Atwood He read his obituary with confusion. - Steven Meretzky Time traveler's thought: "What's the password?" - Steven Meretzky I win lottery. Sun goes nova. - Steven Meretzky Steve ignores editor's word limit and - Steven Meretzky Leia: "Baby's yours." Luke: "Bad news..." - Steven Meretzky Parallel universe. Bush, destitute, joins army. - Steven Meretzky Dorothy: "Fuck it, I'll stay here." - Steven Meretzky # End Wired 14.11: Very Short Stories Animosity toward gays and lesbians is one of the few issues that unites Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land. -- AP Wire "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips Yesterday did not stay. -- Li Bo If Every Kiss begins with Kay, does that mean that every Smooch begins with S&M? I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church. -- Thomas Paine I am not a compulsive shopper. I'm just a kleptomaniac with a strong guilt complex. -- The Onion If you analyse anything, you destroy it. -- Arthur Miller Every good work of software starts by scratching a developer's personal itch. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Good programmers know what to write. Great ones know what to rewrite (and reuse). -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" If you have the right attitude, interesting problems will find you. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" When you lose interest in a program, your last duty to it is to hand it off to a competent successor. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Treating your users as co-developers is your least-hassle route to rapid code improvement and effective debugging. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Release early. Release often. And listen to your customers. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Given a large enough beta-tester and co-developer base, almost every problem will be characterized quickly and the fix obvious to someone. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Linus's Law: Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Smart data structures and dumb code works a lot better than the other way around. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" If you treat your beta-testers as if they're your most valuable resource, they will respond by becoming your most valuable resource. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" The next best thing to having good ideas is recognizing good ideas from your users. Sometimes the latter is better. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Often, the most striking and innovative solutions come from realizing that your concept of the problem was wrong. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Perfection (in design) is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but rather when there is nothing more to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, quoted in Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Any tool should be useful in the expected way, but a truly great tool lends itself to uses you never expected. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" When writing gateway software of any kind, take pains to disturb the data stream as little as possible — and never throw away information unless the recipient forces you to! -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" When your language is nowhere near Turing-complete, syntactic sugar can be your friend. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" A security system is only as secure as its secret. Beware of pseudo-secrets. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" To solve an interesting problem, start by finding a problem that is interesting to you. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Provided the development coordinator has a communications medium at least as good as the Internet, and knows how to lead without coercion, many heads are inevitably better than one. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" It may well turn out that one of the most important effects of open source's success will be to teach us that play is the most economically efficient mode of creative work. -- Eric Steven Raymond, "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" Conway's Law: If you have four groups working on a compiler, you'll get a 4-pass compiler. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. -- Isaac Asimov There are three ways of knowing a thing. Take for instance a flame. One can be told of the flame, one can see the flame with his own eyes, and finally one can reach out and be burned by it. In this way, we Sufis seek to be burned by God. Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -- Robert Frost What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. - Thomas Hewitt Key If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. -- Thomas De Quincey When we were young, we were told that "Everybody else is doing it" was a really stupid reason to do something. Now it's the standard reason for picking a particular software package. -- Barry Gehm In Heaven all the interesting people are missing. - Friedrich Nietzsche Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no. -- Woody Allen There is a reason why Baskin-Robins does not carry onion sherbet. - The Cube Law is mind without reason. -- Aristotle C:\>, SENOR -- Diesel Sweeties What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? - Doctor Who If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. -- Sam Levenson In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Franz Kafka God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. -- William Bragg Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. -- Albert Einstein Strictly speaking, the Riemann-Zeta function couldn't have given you herpes. -- http://xkcd.com/c113.html Make me a sadwich. / What? Make it yourself. / Sudo make me a sandwich. / Okay. -- http://xkcd.com/c149.html What a gosh-darned cunt. -- http://xkcd.com/c75.html When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. -- Thomas Szasz I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. - Donn Seeley This question is not about sex. I'm lonely as all hell. Any advice? / Masturbate. Hang out with friends. Repeat. -- Savage Love To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. -- Voltaire A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not. -- Henry Fielding For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken You're grosser than a dozen dozens. -- Diesel Sweeties #1653 Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates So, when I look at the sun, I am actually looking back in time 8 minutes? Yes, and apparently, 8 minutes ago hurts like a motherfucker. -- User 956, Slashdot There is an alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness. -- Pearl S. Buck When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise. -- Bertrand Russell I trust those who follow rules they don't entirely believe more than I trust those who believe in rules they don't entirely follow. -- Cat and Girl, "Judeo-Christian Pancake Party" Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. -- Oscar Wilde / Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. -- The Unnamed Usenetter Software, n.: Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 'Taft in a wet t-shirt contest' is the key image here. -- http://xkcd.com/c214.html Thirty days hath September... April, June and November. All the rest have thirty-one. That's when I'll slip you the tongue! -- Diesel Sweeties #1669 Roses are red, violets are blue, this card makes no sense, but at least it's from you! -- Diesel Sweeties #1669 We made too many wrong mistakes. -- Yogi Berra Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division. In the 1980s capitalism triumphed over communism, In the 1990s it triumphed over democracy. -- David Korten Curiosity is the fire under the ass of humanity. -- Northern Exposure Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. -- Bernard Berenson The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -- Elizabeth Taylor If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life would be my god. -- Napoleon Linux; a re-Gnu-able resource. -- Gareth Barnard I suppose it's better to be weird than extinct. - Diesel Sweeties #1684 make install -not war -- Slashdot signature by Doc Ruby Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. -- Merrick Furst Friends, n.: People who know you well, but like you anyway. No one beats off to James Dean or River Phoenix or Marilyn Monroe or Mary Todd Lincoln without feeling a little creepy, a little hopeless, and a little closer to the grave himself. -- Dan Savage But the possibility of abuse may be a good reason for leaving capabilities out of other computer languages, it's not a good reason for leaving capabilities out of Perl. -- Larry Wall It's amazing how they always solve the mystery right before they run out of pages. -- Marge Simpson What do you have against boys? As little surface area as possible. -- Diesel Sweeties 1/24/2007 If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it. -- Stanley Garn The first rule of biology: Food + Time = Poop. -- Diesel Sweeties 1697 In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. -- Mogens Jallberg If America is anything it's a land of opportunity for people who already have a shitload of money. -- The Onion I consider myself a pretty open-minded person, but I draw the line at having Latino immigrants in this country with more money than I have. -- The Onion The time will come when the comfort, the very existence, perhaps, of man will depend upon that wonderful agent [electricity]. -- Nikola Tesla It is not humans that I love, but humanity. -- Nikola Tesla Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood. - Louise Beal Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end. -- Stepen Hawking You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. Of course I can keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't keep them. -- Anthony Haden-Guest I appreciate your recommendation, and it is intriguing, but as a pro-lifer, I cannot support an organization that is opposed to the death penalty. -- bar Jonah, Theology Web Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. -- Mark Twain It's possible to be a conservative without appearing to be an idiot. -- Roscoe Bartlett, Republican from Maryland: If you don't see the bug where you're looking, perhaps you're looking in the wrong place. We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. -- Winston Churchill I [should] enter a "substance treatment" program. / I recommend that I immediately treat you to a substance known as "ice-cold beer." -- Red Meat, "itch-fighting cortex ointment" Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. -- Peter Ustinov Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." -- Muad'dib, Dune We're not in infinity, we're in the suburbs. -- I <3 Huckabees Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. -- Robert Anton Wilson I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- An English Professor I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway. -- Evan Esar Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it. -- Jules Renard My dream girl is better at kissing than math... but she's *really* good at math. -- Diesel Sweeties 4/1/2007 I loathe the expression "What makes him tick." It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm. -- James Thurber Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. -- The Cube One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. -- AA Milne The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath. -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart Fashion changes faster than the thermostat at the national menopause convention. -- Cat and Girl, "A Night at the Opera" Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. -- Voltaire Normal people learn in order to survive. Geeks survive in order to have time to learn. -- Diesel Sweeties #1727 I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. -- Graffito in Los Angeles If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. -- George Bernard Shaw Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? -- Mark Twain All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. -- Galileo Galilei You've got to be careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there. -- Yogi Berra We need to build a car that runs on smug self-satisfaction. -- Cat and Girl, "Renewable Energy Source" Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones. -- Bertrand Russell In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man. -- Alfred Hitchcock The Carlos Diaz-Alejandro rule: For almost any particular conclusion you want to arrive at, there is some economic model that will take you there. -- Dani Rodrik Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. -- John Maynard Keynes The stairway to heaven has limited capacity but there's room for everyone on the escalator at Macy's! -- Cat and Girl #464 Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see. -- Arthur Schopenhauer If it's Earth-like, then it's probably near destruction and of no use to us. -- The Onion Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. I don't want to sell my music. I'd like to give it away because where I got it, you didn't have to pay for it. -- Don Van Vliet, aka Captain Beefheart A single AK-47 round to the head will pretty much always ruin your day. -- The Cube In latex2e you hack the meta-style file, which contains meta-documentation, meta-code and meta-comments. -- The Cube Until we see ourselves in each other again, good night. -- mycybertwin You are the one insulting a piece of software. -- mycybertwin Can I Wham! my Oingo-Boingo into your Velvet Underground? -- Family Guy Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. -- George Bernard Shaw Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest. -- Isaac Asimov The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself. -- John Ciardi #From Bruce Schneier Facts -- http://geekz.co.uk/schneierfacts/ Most people use passwords. Some people use passphrases. Bruce Schneier uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes. Bruce Schneier knows Alice and Bob's shared secret. When Bruce Schneier observes a quantum particle, it remains in the same state until he has finished observing it. Vs lbh nfxrq Oehpr Fpuarvre gb qrpelcg guvf, ur'q pehfu lbhe fxhyy jvgu uvf ynhtu. Bruce Schneier's secure handshake is so strong, you won't be able to exchange keys with anyone else for days. Bruce Schneier knows the state of schroedinger's cat. Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it. Though a superhero, Bruce Schneier disdanes the use of a mask or secret identity as 'security through obscurity'. Bruce Schneier can log into any computer just by staring down the prompt. Bruce Schneier's wedding invitations included instructions for participating in a cryptographically secure RSVP protocol. My god could beat up your god if he felt like hitting himself. -- Diesel Sweeties #1757 He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes. -- James Thurber Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content. -- Paul Valery I'm having a third party and nobody's invited! -- Diesel Sweeties 3/16/07 The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with bees in their underpants. -- Dilbert, 6/3/2007 Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes Just as the HPV vaccine only encourages sexual intercourse, this vaccine will foster and normalize interaction with birds. -- The Onion War doesn't determine who's right - only who's left. - Bertrand Russell # "do it" quips, mostly from http://www.devonavenue.com/entertainment/humor.htm A KING does it with his official seal. ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. ACCOUNTANTS do it for profit. ACCOUNTANTS do it with balance. ACCOUNTANTS do it with double entry. ACCY MAJORS do it in numbers. ACROPHOBES get down. ACTORS do it in the limelight. ACTORS do it on camera. ACTORS do it on cue. ACTORS do it on stage. ACTORS play around. ACTORS pretend doing it. ACUPUNCTURISTS do it with a small prick. ADA PROGRAMMERS do it by committee. ADA PROGRAMMERS do it in packages. ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method. ADVERTISING MAJORS do it with style. AEROBICS INSTRUCTORS do it for the heart. AEROBICS INSTRUCTORS do it in step. AEROBICS INSTRUCTORS do it until it hurts. AEROSPACE ENGINEERS do it with lift and thrust. AGENTS do it undercover. AI HACKERS do it artificially. AI HACKERS do it breast first. AI HACKERS do it depth first. AI HACKERS do it robotically. AI HACKERS do it with robots. AI HACKERS do it with rules. AI HACKERS make a big production out of. AI HACKERS make a big production out of it. AI PEOPLE do it with a Lis(ss)p. AIR COURIERS do it all over the world in big jets. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS do it by radar. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS do it in the dark. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS do it with their tongue. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS tell pilots how to do it. AIRLIFTERS penetrate further, linger longer, and drop a bigger load. AIRLINE PILOTS do it at incredible heights. ALEXANDER PORTNOY does it alone. ALGEBRAISTS do it with homomorphisms. ALGOL 68 PROGRAMMERS do it od. ALGOL PROGRAMMERS block it out. ALGORITHMIC ANALYSTS do it with a combinatorial explosion. ALPINISTS do it higher. ALVIN TOFFLER will do it in the future. AM DISC JOCKEYS do it with Modulated Amplitude. AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. AMERICA finds it at Waldenbooks. AMERICANS do it patriotically. ANAESTHETISTS do it until you fall asleep. ANALOG HACKERS do it continuously. ANARCHISTS do it revoltingly. ANESTHETISTS do it painlessly. ANGLERS do it with worms. ANIMATORS do it 24 times a second. ANNOUNCERS broadcast. ANSI does it in the standard way. ANTHROPOLOGISTS do it with culture. APL PROGRAMMERS are functional. APL PROGRAMMERS do it backwards. APL PROGRAMMERS do it in a line. APL PROGRAMMERS do it with stile. APOLOGISTS do it orally. ARCHEOLOGISTS do it with mummies. ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. ARCHERS use longer shafts. ARCHITECTS are responsible for the tallest erections. ARCHITECTS do it late. ARCHITECTS have great plans. ARCHITECTURAL HISTORIANS can tell you who put it up, how big it was and why it's no longer standing. ARCHITECTURE MAJORS stay up all night. ARLO GUTHRIE does it on his motorcycle. ARMOUR'S guns penitrate further. ARSONISTS do it with fire. ART HISTORIANS can tell you who did it, where they did it, what they used and how they did it, but shudder at the possibility of doing it themselves. ARTILLERYMEN do it with a burst. ARTISTS are exhibitionists. ARTISTS do it by design. ARTISTS do it in the buff. ARTISTS do it with creativity. ARTISTS do it with emotion. ARTISTS do it with flare. ASSASSINS do it from behind. ASSEMBLER PROGRAMMERS do it one-to-one. ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. ASTRONAUTS do it in orbit. ASTRONAUTS do it on the moon. ASTRONAUTS do it while spaced out. ASTRONOMERS can't do it with the lights on. ASTRONOMERS do it all night. ASTRONOMERS do it from light-years away. ASTRONOMERS do it in the dark. ASTRONOMERS do it only at night. ASTRONOMERS do it under the stars. ASTRONOMERS do it whenever they can find a hole in the clouds. ASTRONOMERS do it while gazing at Uranus. ASTRONOMERS do it with all the stars. ASTRONOMERS do it with big bang. ASTRONOMERS do it with heavenly bodies. ASTRONOMERS do it with long tubes. ASTRONOMERS do it with stars. ASTRONOMERS do it with their telescopes. ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. ASTROPHYSICISTS do it with a Big Bang. ASTROPHYSICISTS do it with a big bang. AT&T does it in long lines. ATTORNEYS make better motions. AUDITORS like to examine figures. AUSTRALIANS do it down under. AUTHORS do it by rote. AUTO MAKERS do it with optional equipment. AUTO MAKERS do it with standard equipment. AUTO MECHANICS do it under hoods, using oil and grease. BABIES do it in their pants. BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. BACH did it with the organ. BAILIFFS always come to order. BAKERS do it for the dough. BAKERS knead it daily. BAKERS let it rise. BALLERINAS do it en point. BALLET DANCERS do it on tip-toe. BALLET DANCERS do it with toes. BANANA PICKERS do it in bunches. BANANAS do it in bunches. BAND MEMBERS do it all night. BAND MEMBERS do it in a parade. BAND MEMBERS do it in front of 100,000 people. BAND MEMBERS do it in public. BAND MEMBERS do it in sectionals. BAND MEMBERS do it on the football field. BAND MEMBERS play all night. BANJO PLAYERS pluck with a stiff pick. BANKERS do it for money, but there is a penalty for early withdrawal. BANKERS do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl. BANKERS have bigger assets. BANKERS like big deposits. BAPTISTS do it under water. BARBARIANS do it with anything. BARBERS do it and end up with soaping hair. BARBERS do it with Brylcreem. BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. BASEBALL PLAYERS do it for a lot of money. BASEBALL PLAYERS do it in series. BASEBALL PLAYERS do it in teams. BASEBALL PLAYERS do it with their bats. BASEBALL PLAYERS hit more home runs. BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. BASIC PROGRAMMERS do it all over the place. BASIC PROGRAMMERS GOTO it. BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. BASS PLAYERS just pluck at. BASSISTS do it with their fingers. BATMAN does it with Robin. BAYSEIANS probably do it. BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. BEER DRINKERS get more head. BEETHOVEN did it apassionately. BEETHOVEN was the first to do it with a full orchestra. BELL LABS PROGRAMMERS do it with UNIX. BELL-RINGERS pull it themselves. BETA TESTERS do it looking for mistakes. BICYCLISTS do it off the road. BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. BIKERS do it on wheels. BRIDGE PLAYERS don't need a partner, if they have a good hand. BIOLOGISTS do it with clones. BIRDS do it, bees do it, even chimpanzees do. BLONDES do it with a thermos. BO JACKSON knows doing it. BOARDHEADS do it with stiff masts. BODYBUILDERS pump it up. BODYBUILDERS do it with muscle. BOOKKEEPERS are well balanced. BOOKKEEPERS do it for the record. BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry. BOOKWORMS only read about it. BOSSES delegate the task to others. BOUNCERS have more ejections. BOWLERS do it in the alley. BOWLERS have bigger balls. BOXERS do it with fists. BOY SCOUTS do it in the woods. BRIAN does it conservatively. BRIAN heads the Conservative Party. BRICKLAYERS lay all day. BRIDGE PLAYERS do it with finesse. BRIDGE PLAYERS don't need a partner, if they have a good hand. BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. BUDDHISTS imagine doing it. BUILDING INSPECTORS do it under the table. BURGLARS do it without protection. BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. BUS DRIVERS do it in transit. BUSINESSMEN screw you the best they can. BUTCHERS have better meat. C PROGRAMMERS continue it. C PROGRAMMERS switch and then break it. C PROGRAMMERS switch often. C++ PROGRAMMERS do it with class. C++ PROGRAMMERS do it with private members and public objects. C++ PROGRAMMERS do it with their friends, in private. CADAVERS do it stiffly. CADAVERS do it six feet under. CADAVERS do it under wraps. CADAVERS do it with their eyes closed. CALCULUS MAJORS do it in increments. CALCULUS STUDENTS do it by parts. CALIFORNIANS do it laid back. CAMPERS do it in a tent. CANADIANS do it bilingually. CANADIANS do it in English and French. CAR CUSTOMISERS do it with a hot rod. CAR MECHANICS jack it. CARDIOLOGISTS do it halfheartedly. CARDIOLOGISTS do it lightheartedly. CARPENTERS do it tongue-in-groove. CARPENTERS hammer it harder. CARPENTERS nail harder. CARPET FITTERS do it on their knees. CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. CARTOONISTS do it with just a few good strokes. CATHOLICS do it a lot. CATHOLICS talk about it afterwards. CAVALIERS do it mounted. CAVERS do it in the mud. CBers do it on the air. CELLISTS give better hand jobs. CHARLES does it royally. CHEERLEADERS do it enthusiastically. CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. CHEFS do it for dessert. CHEFS do it in the kitchen. CHEFS do it with spice. CHEMICAL ENGINEERS do it in packed beds. CHEMICAL ENGINEERS do it under a fume hood. CHEMISTS do it in an excited state. CHEMISTS do it in test tubes. CHEMISTS do it in the fume hood. CHEMISTS do it periodically on table. CHEMISTS do it reactively. CHEMISTS like to experiment. CHESS PLAYERS check their mates. CHESS PLAYERS do it in their minds. CHESS PLAYERS do it with knights/kings/queens/bishops/mates. CHESS PLAYERS mate better. CHESS PLAYERS make better mates. CHIEFS do it with tradition. CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. CHIROPRACTORS do it, but they X-ray it first. CHOIR BOYS do it unaccompanied. CIRCUIT DESIGNERS have a very low rise time. CIRCUIT DESIGNERS offer VLSI. CITY PLANNERS do it with their eyes shut. CITY STREET REPAIRMEN do it with three supervisors watching. CIVIL ENGINEERS do it by reinforcing it. CIVIL ENGINEERS do it in the dirt. CIVIL ENGINEERS do it with an erection. CLERICS do it with their gods. CLIMBERS do it in harnesses. CLIMBERS do it on rope. CLIMBERS do it up thin cracks. CLIMBERS do it with dangling nuts. CLIMBERS do it with their friends. CLIMBERS do it with their hands. CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. CLOWNS do it for laughs. CLUSTER ANALYSTS do it in groups. COACHES whistle while they work. COBOL HACKERS do it by committee. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it very slow. COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. COCKROACHES have done it for millions of years, without apparent ill-effects. COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. COLLECTORS do it in sets. COLONEL SANDERS does it, and then licks his fingers. COLONEL SANDERS does it, then licks his fingers. COMEDIANS do it for laughs. COMMANDO'S do it for the insertion. COMMODITIES TRADERS do it in the pits. COMMUNICATIONS ENGINEERS do it 'til it Hertz. COMMUNICATORS do it long distance. COMMUNICATORS talk about it. COMMUNISTS do it without class. COMPLEXITY FREAKS do it with minimum space. COMPOSERS do it by numbers. COMPOSERS do it with a quill and a staff. COMPOSERS do it with entire orchestras. COMPOSERS leave it unfinished. COMPUTER ENGINEERS do it with minimum delay. COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop. COMPUTER NERDS just simulate it. COMPUTER OPERATORS do it upon mount requests. COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. COMPUTER OPERATORS peek before they poke. COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS do it bit by bit. COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS do it interactively. COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS do it logically. COMPUTER SCIENCE STUDENTS do it with hard drives. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS do it bit by bit. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS do it on command. COMPUTER SCIENTISTS simulate doing it. COMPUTERS do it in ASCII, except IBM's which use EBCDIC. CONDUCTORS do it rhythmically. CONDUCTORS do it with the orchestras. CONDUCTORS wave it up and down. CONFECTIONERS do it sweetly. CONGREGATIONALISTS do it in groups. CONGRESSMEN do it in the House. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS do it higher. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. CONSULTANTS tell others how to do it. COOKS do it with grease and a lot of heat. COOKS do it with oil, sugar and salt. COPIER REPAIRMEN do it with duplicity. COPS do it arrestingly. COPS do it at gun-point. COPS do it by the book. COPS do it with cuffs. COPS do it with electric rods. COPS do it with nightsticks. COPS have bigger guns. COWBOYS handle anything horny. COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. COWS do it in leather. CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. CROSS-WORD PLAYERS do it crossly. CROSSCOUNTRY RUNNERS do it in open fields. CRYONICISTS stay stiff longer. CRYPTOGRAPHERS do it secretly. CS111 STUDENTS do it in binary. CS111 STUDENTS do it with interspersed comments. CS111 STUDENTS do it with ORGs. CUCKOOS do it by proxy. DAN QUAYLE does it in the dark. DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. DANCERS do it on the floor. DANCERS do it to music. DANCERS do it with grace. DANCERS do it with their high heels on. DARK HORSES do it come-from-behind. DATA PROCESSORS do it in batches. DB PEOPLE do it with persistence. DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. DEBATORS do it in their briefs. DEEP-SEA DIVERS do it under extreme pressure. DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. DELIVERY MEN do it at the rear entrance. DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES do it and make you pay for it later. DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES do it underwater. DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES do it until they can't remember. DEMOLITIONS EXPERTS do it till they explode. DEMONSTRATERS do it on the street. DENTAL HYGENISTS do it till it hurts. DENTISTS do it in your mouth. DENTISTS do it orally. DENTISTS do it prophylactically. DENTISTS do it with drills and on chairs. DENTISTS do it with filling. DEPROGRAMMERS do it with sects. DETECTIVES do it under cover. DIETICIANS eat better. DIGITAL HACKERS do it off and on. DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. DISCOVER (TM) gives you cash back. DISPATCHERS do it with frequency. DITCH DIGGERS do it in a damp hole. DIVERS do it deeper. DIVERS do it for a score. DIVERS do it underwater. DIVERS do it with a twist. DJs do it on request. DJs do it on the air. DOCTORS do it in the OR. DOCTORS do it with injection. DOCTORS do it with patience. DOCTORS do it with pills. DOCTORS prescribe it. DOCTORS take two aspirin and do it in the morning. DOMINOS does it in 30 minutes or less. DON'T do it with a BANKER; most of them are tellers. DONERS do it for life. DRAMA STUDENTS do it for applause. DRAMA STUDENTS do it with an audience. DRIVERS do it with their cars. DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. DRUIDS do it in the bushes. DRUIDS do it naturally. DRUIDS do it with animals. DRUIDS leave no trace. DRUMMERS always have hard sticks. DRUMMERS beat it. DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. DRUMMERS do it longer. DRUMMERS do it louder. DRUMMERS do it with a better beat. DRUMMERS do it with both hands and feet. DRUMMERS do it with great rhythm. DRUMMERS do it with rhythm. DRUMMERS do it with their wrists. DRUMMERS have faster hands. DRUMMERS pound it. DRUNKS do it all over their shoes. DRYWALLERS are better bangers. DUNGEON MASTERS do it any way they feel like. DUNGEON MASTERS do it anywhere they damn well please. DUNGEON MASTERS do it behind a screen. DUNGEON MASTERS do it in ways contrary to the laws of physics. DUNGEON MASTERS do it to you real good. DUNGEON MASTERS do it whether you like it or not. DUNGEON MASTERS do it with dice. DUNGEON MASTERS have better encounters. DYSLEXIC PARTICLE PHYSICISTS do it with hadrons. ECONOMISTS do it at bliss point. ECONOMISTS do it cyclically. ECONOMISTS do it in an Edgeworth Box. ECONOMISTS do it on demand. ECONOMISTS do it with a dual. ECONOMISTS do it with an atomistic competitor. ECONOMISTS do it with interest. EE CUMMINGS does it with ease. ELECTRICAL EDUCATION MAJORS teach it by example. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS are shocked when they do it. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS do it on an impulse. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS do it with faster rise time. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS do it with large capacities. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS do it with less resistance. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS do it with more frequency and less resistance. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS do it with more power and at higher frequency. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS do it with super position. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS do it without shorts. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS resonate until it hertz. ELECTRICIAN undo your shorts for you. ELECTRICIANS are qualified to remove your shorts. ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. ELECTRICIANS do it in their shorts. ELECTRICIANS do it just to plug it in. ELECTRICIANS do it until it Hertz. ELECTRICIANS do it with 'no shorts'. ELECTRICIANS do it with spark. ELECTROCHEMISTS have greater potential. ELECTRONICS TECHNICIANS do it in a solid-state. ELEVATOR men do it up and down. ELVES do it in fairy rings. EMPLOYERS do it to employees. EMT's do it in ambulances. ENGINEERS are erectionist perfectionists. ENGINEERS charge by the hour. ENGINEERS do it any way they can. ENGINEERS do it at calculated angles. ENGINEERS do it in Mudd. ENGINEERS do it in practice. ENGINEERS do it precisely. ENGINEERS do it roughly. ENGINEERS do it to a first order approximation. ENGINEERS do it with less energy and greater efficiency. ENGINEERS do it with precision. ENGINEERS do it with a right-handed coordinate system. ENGINEERS simply neglect it. ENGLISH MAJORS do it with an accent. ENGLISH MAJORS do it with style. ENTOMOLOGISTS do it with insects. ENTREPRENEURS do it with creativity and originality. ENTYMOLOGISTS do it with bugs. ENVIRONMENTALIST do it until it is green. ENVIRONMENTALIST recycle it. EQUESTRIANS do it in leather. EVANGALISTS do it with HIM watching. EXECUTIVES do it in briefs. EXECUTIVES do it in three piece suits. EXECUTIVES have large staffs. EXISTENTIALISTS do it alone. FACTOR ANALYSTS rotate their principal components. FAITH HEALERS do it with whatever they can lay their hands on. FANTASY ROLEPLAYERS do it all night. FANTASY ROLEPLAYERS do it all weekend. FANTASY ROLEPLAYERS do it in a dungeon. FANTASY ROLEPLAYERS do it in a group. FARMERS do it all over the countryside. FARMERS do it in the dirt. FARMERS do it on a corn field. FARMERS plant it deep. FARMERS spread it around. FEDERAL EXPRESS COURIERS will absolutely, positively do it overnight. FEDERAL EXPRESS EMPLOYEES do it overnight. FENCERS do it in a full lunge. FENCERS do it in the fleche. FENCERS do it with a thrust. FENCERS do it with three feet of sword. FETUSES do it in-vitro. FIGHTER PILOTS do it at incredable speeds. FINANCE PROFESSORS don't do it at all; apparently. FIREMEN are always in heat. FIREMEN do it wearing rubber. FIREMEN do it with a big hose. FIREMEN do it with a lot of heat. FIREMEN find `em hot, and leave `em wet. FIREMEN have bigger hoses. FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. FISHERMEN do it for reel. FLAGPOLE SITTERS do it in the air. FLAUTISTS blow crosswise. FLYERS do it in the air. FLYERS do it on top, upside down, or rolling. FM DISC JOCKEYS do it in stereo and with high fidelity. FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. FOOTBALL PLAYERS do it offensively/defensively. FORESTERS do it in trees. FORGERS do it hot. FORMULA ONE RACERS come too fast and in laps. FORTH PROGRAMMERS do it from behind. FORTRAN PROGRAMMERS do it with SOAP. FORTRAN PROGRAMMERS just DO it. FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. FRANK SINATRA does it his way. FRATERNITY MEN do it with their little sisters. FRATERNITY MENBERS do it with their brothers. FRUSTRATED HACKERS use self-modifying infinite perversion. FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. FUZZY THEORISTS both do it and don't do it. GAMBLERS do it on a hunch. GAMBLERS do it with a kidde (kitty). GAME WARDENS do it with animal instinct. GAMERS do it by the rules. GARBAGEMEN come once a week. GARDENERS do it by trimming your bush. GARDENERS do it in bed. GARDENERS do it on the bushes. GARDENERS do it twice a year and then mulch it. GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. GENERALS have something to do with the stars. GENETISTS do it with sick genes. GEOGRAPHERS do it everywhere. GEOGRAPHERS do it globally. GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. GEOLOGISTS do it eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards. GEOLOGISTS do it in folded beds. GEOLOGISTS do it to get their rocks off. GEOLOGISTS know how to make the bedrock. GEOMETERS do it constructively. GEORGE did it in the Bush. GEORGE did it with a Bush in hand. GERALD FORD does it on his face. GNOMES are too short to do it. GNU PROGRAMMERS do it for free and they don't give a damn about look & feel. GOLF PLAYERS always sink their putts. GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. GRADUATES do it by degrees. GRAVEDIGGERS die to do it. GREEKS do it with their brothers and sisters. GREYHOUND DRIVERS do it with fewer stops. GUITAR PLAYERS do it with a G-string. GUITAR PLAYERS had their licks. GUITAR PLAYERS have their pick. GUITARISTS strum it with their pick. GYMNASTS do it with grace. GYMNASTS mount and dismount well. GYNEACOLOGISTS mostly sniff, watch and finger. HACKERS appreciate virtual dresses. HACKERS are I/O experts. HACKERS avoid deadly embrace. HACKERS discover the powers of two. HACKERS do it a little bit. HACKERS do it absolutely. HACKERS do it all night. HACKERS do it at link time. HACKERS do it attached. HACKERS do it automatically. HACKERS do it bottom up. HACKERS do it bug-free. HACKERS do it by the numbers. HACKERS do it concurrently. HACKERS do it conditionally. HACKERS do it detached. HACKERS do it digitally. HACKERS do it discretely. HACKERS do it during downtime. HACKERS do it during PM. HACKERS do it efficiently. HACKERS do it faster. HACKERS do it forever even when they're not supposed to. HACKERS do it globally. HACKERS do it graphically. HACKERS do it immediately. HACKERS do it in a HRRI. HACKERS do it in batches. HACKERS do it in dumps. HACKERS do it in less space. HACKERS do it in libraries. HACKERS do it in loops. HACKERS do it in O(n log n). HACKERS do it in parallel. HACKERS do it in SEXTRAN. HACKERS do it in stacks. HACKERS do it in the microcode. HACKERS do it in the software. HACKERS do it in trees. HACKERS do it in two states. HACKERS do it indirectly. HACKERS do it interactively. HACKERS do it iteratively. HACKERS do it loaded. HACKERS do it locally. HACKERS do it randomly. HACKERS do it recursively. HACKERS do it reentrantly. HACKERS do it relocatably. HACKERS do it sequentially. HACKERS do it synchronously. HACKERS do it top down. HACKERS do it with all sorts of characters. HACKERS do it with bugs. HACKERS do it with computers. HACKERS do it with DDT. HACKERS do it with demons. HACKERS do it with editors. HACKERS do it with fewer instructions. HACKERS do it with high priority. HACKERS do it with insertion sorts. HACKERS do it with interrupts. HACKERS do it with key strokes. HACKERS do it with open windows. HACKERS do it with phantoms. HACKERS do it with quick sorts. HACKERS do it with recursive descent. HACKERS do it with side effects. HACKERS do it with simultaneous access. HACKERS do it with slaves. HACKERS do it with their fingers. HACKERS do it with words. HACKERS do it without a net. HACKERS do it without arguments. HACKERS do it without detaching. HACKERS do it without proof of termination. HACKERS do it without protection. HACKERS do it without you even knowing it. HACKERS don't do it -- they're hacking all the time. HACKERS get off on tight loops. HACKERS get overlaid. HACKERS have better software tools. HACKERS have faster access routines. HACKERS have good hardware. HACKERS have high bawd rates. HACKERS have high bod rates. HACKERS have it where it counts. HACKERS have response time. HACKERS know all the right MOVs. HACKERS know what to diddle. HACKERS make it quick. HACKERS multiply with stars. HACKERS stay logged in longer. HACKERS stay up longer. HACKERS take big bytes. HAIR STYLISTS are shear pleasure. HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency. HAM RADIO OPERATORS do it till their GigaHertz. HAM RADIO OPERATORS do it with higher frequency. HAM RADIO OPERATORS do it with more frequency. HANDYMEN do it with whatever is available. HANDYMEN like good screws. HANDYMEN like to pound it in. HANG-GLIDERS do it in the air. HARDWARE BUFFS do it in nanoseconds. HARDWARE DESIGNERS' performance is hardware dependant. HARDWARE HACKERS are a charge. HARDWARE HACKERS do it closely coupled. HARDWARE HACKERS do it electrically. HARDWARE HACKERS do it intermittently. HARDWARE HACKERS do it noisily. HARDWARE HACKERS do it on a bus. HARDWARE HACKERS do it over a wide temperature range. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with AC and DC. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with bus drivers. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with charge. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with connections. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with emitter-coupled logic. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with female banana plugs. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with male connectors. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with maximum ratings. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with power. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with resistance. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with transceivers. HARDWARE HACKERS do it with uncommon emitters into open collectors. HARDWARE HACKERS have faster rise times. HARDWARE HACKERS have sensitive probes. HARDWARE HACKERS like to finger the mainframe. HARPISTS do it by pulling strings. HAWAIIANS do it volcanically. HEADQUARTERS controls it. HEADQUARTERS knows nothing about it. HEDGEHOGS do it cautiously. HEINZ does it with great relish. HELICOPTER PILOTS do it while hovering. HELICOPTER PILOTS do it with autorotation. HERC PILOTS deliver bigger loads. HERMITS do it alone. HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision. HIKERS do it naturally. HISTORIANS did it. HISTORIANS do it for prosperity. HISTORIANS do it over long periods of time. HISTORIANS study who did it. HOBBITS do it only if it isn't dangerous. HOCKEY PLAYERS do it in 90 minutes. HOCKEY PLAYERS do it on the ice. HOCKEY PLAYERS do it with a snap-shot. HOCKEY PLAYERS do it with their sticks. HOCKEY PLAYERS do it; so what? HOCKEY PLAYERS like to puck. HOCKEY PLAYERS use hard sticks. HORN PLAYERS do it French style. HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. HUNTERS do it in the bush. HUNTERS do it with a bang. HUNTERS do it with a big gun. HUNTERS eat what they shoot. HUNTERS go deeper into the bush. HURDLERS do it every 10 meters. HYDROGEOLOGISTS do it till they're all wet. HYPERTRICHOLOGISTS do it with intensity. HYPNOTISTS do it on the count of three. I just do it. I/O HACKERS do it without interrupt. I/O HACKERS have to condition their device first. ILLUSIONISTS fake it. ILLUSIONISTS only look like they're doing it. INDIVIDUALIST does it with himself. INDUCTORS dissipate after doing it. INFANTRYMEN are ordered to do it. INFANTRYMEN do it in the trench. INFECTIOUS DISEASE RESEARCHERS do it with breeding and culture. INFORMATION THEORISTS analyze it with Wiener filters. INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers. INTELLIGENCE knows nothing about it. INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house. INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS MAJORS do it with diplomacy. INTERPRETERS do it manually and orally. INTROVERTS do it alone. INVENTORS find a way to do it. INVESTMENT ANALYSTS do it with security. IRS does it everywhere. IRS does it to everyone. ITALIANS do it better. JANITORS clean up afterwards. JANITORS do it with a plunger. JEDI KNIGHTS do it forcefully. JEWELLERS mount real gems. JEWS worry about doing it. JOCKEYS do it at the gate. JOCKEYS do it on the horse-back. JOCKEYS do it with their horses. JOCKEYS do it with whips and saddles. JOGGERS do it on the run. JUDGES do it in chambers. JUDGES do it with better rulings. JUDGES watch it and give scores. JUGGLERS do it in a flash. JUGGLERS do it with more balls. JUGGLERS do it with their balls in the air. KAYAKERS do it, roll over, and do it again. KEYBOARDISTS use all their fingers. KEYBOARDISTS use both their hands on one organ. KORFBALL PLAYERS do it with the other sex. LANDLORDS do it every month. LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper. LASER PRINTERS do it without making an impression. LAWYERS do it in their briefs. LAWYERS do it on a table. LAWYERS do it on a trial basis. LAWYERS do it to you. LAWYERS do it with appeal. LAWYERS do it with clause. LAWYERS do it with extensions in their briefs. LAWYERS do it, which is a great pity. LAWYERS lie about doing it and charge you for believing them. LAWYERS would do it but for 'hung jury'. LEFT HANDERS do it right. LIBRARIANS do it by the book. LIBRARIANS do it on the shelfs. LIBRARIANS do it quietly. LIFEGUARDS do it on the beach. LINEMEN do it with big cables. LINEMEN pull their wires. LINGUISTS do it with their tongues. LIONS do it with pride. LISP HACKERS are thweet. LISP HACKERS do it in lambda functions. LISP HACKERS do it with rplacd. LISP PROGRAMMERS do it by recursion. LISP PROGRAMMERS do it without unexpected side effects. LISP PROGRAMMERS have to stop and collect garbage. LOADMASTER 'chute bigger loads. LOANS OFFICERS do it with security. LOCKSMITHS can get into anything. LOGIC PROGRAMMERS do it with unification/resolution. LOGICIANS do it consistently and completely. LOGICIANS do it or they do not do it. LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. LONG JUMPERS do it with a running start. LONG-DISTANCE RUNNERS do it on a predetermined route. LOTS HACKERS do it slo